Dream Catcher

I rarely mention specific details about my life. I usually write about me in general. But I'm such in high spirits today that I'm willing to push my boundaries.

Going to medical school has been my dream for the past couple of years. If I'm not mistaken, this interest blossomed when I had my baby. Being an OC and all, I had this weird urge of ALWAYS wanting to know how to take care of my baby especially when he's sick. It's like I couldn't stand the feeling of helplessness of not being able to cater to my son's demands at the time he needs it most. I become so agitated if I'm not able to pacify him just because of a "simple cold". I stress out when his fever is intermittent and he's not even showing any signs of lethargy or weight loss. I fret when he'd cry endlessly throughout the night and not understand what he really wants. I had a LOT of questions. What should I do? How can I make him better? How can I prevent this from happening? Is he even sick? Then a light bulb appeared over my head -- I wanted to become a doctor. I visualized my son being perfectly healthy (now that's every mother's dream).

I kept that longing to myself though. I'd spill it out every once in a while, just in passing so I guess maybe that's the reason why people didn't really take it seriously. Then I was told to take up Nursing. No biggie. It was LIKE being a doctor. The four years went by and I thought my desire to become a doctor already died or something. It was four fun years by the way. Graduation came and people went about their lives. Others took up master's degrees. Others pursued their nursing careers. Others went overseas. Others had regular jobs. Others bummed around. Then I found out that some of my friends from college went to medical school. Man, was I jealous. Then it hit me. I UNQUESTIONABLY still wanted to be a doctor. The desire was definitely there but the opportunity, timing and the resources weren't. It was hard seeing people I know pursue it. It was hardest knowing that others don't even want to be there! I wanted to scream at their faces, "Can I just take your place then, you crazy freak?!" Why do others have all the luck? I had to choose getting a job over my dream. I had to be practical. I slowly began to accept that it really wasn't for me and I had to let go. Then a couple of days ago, hope came. My folks seriously considered my intention to take up Medicine. It's not yet a done deal but they were really S E R I O U S L Y considering it! Still, the resources is a major factor. Advanced planning would be necessary for this plan to push through -- careful computation of all expenses and ensuring that we won't go over the budget. Nevertheless, I certainly would like to hold on to that tiny bit of chance that I could somehow get a shot at this. For all we know, there might just be a sudden twist of fate.

Anarchy

Is it better to have just one option or a lot? With one, there's a 50-50 chance you'll make the right choice. With a lot, the percentage is slimmer. With one, you get to focus on just two things - do it or not do it. With a lot, the dibs are endless. So which is which? Would you rather have just one thing to ponder on or a variety of things wherein you could carefully weigh the benefits from the misfortune? Whoever said that free will was man's greatest gift? I dare to oppose. It is a gift but not the greatest. Making a decision is one of the most Herculean phenomena that a mortal has to live with. You could just never go by without deciding on anything. What to eat. What to wear. What time to get up from bed. What to drink. What to do on your birthday. EVERYTHING. But that's the easy part. When you reach a certain phase in your life when every decision would impact you and the people around and/or with you, you come to a screeching halt. Now comes the essence of time. Compulsion and adjudication is usually, if not always, not a good combination. It's such a disconcerting thought to decide on something life-changing and you, being the sole decision-maker, would have to own up to it - perks and downfalls altogether. What if it doesn't go the way you planned and hoped it to be? You'd have nobody else to blame but yourself. If you had others calling the shots for you, at the very least, you'd have to somebody to blame if things don't turn out well. So what do we do now? You decide.

Alone

Living alone has been tough. It's already been about 4 months now. It does have its perks though. You have the freedom to do whatever you want to do, however you want to do it and whenever you want to do it. What do they call this kind of freedom again? Oh, yeah. FUN. It is liberating but when the fun dies and the party's over, where does that leave me? Responsibilities. Obligations. The real world. The harsh reality. It's bittersweet, actually. A double-edged sword for others. You toughen up because of the situation, like you have a choice, but you also tend to become vulnerable and subtle among other things. Your family's away however, your friends are there for you BUT they just can't be at all times - they do have their own lives you know. It is a curse and a blessing all intertwined in some bizarre way. It's an enigma waiting to unfold but you just don't know how yet then again, for some gnarly reason, eventually things would fall into place. Who knows when that time would come? Who knows why? As for me, I'll hang on to that thought... Like I have a choice.